I remember being a child and being hopeful for a great future. I
was hopeful for the day I could successfully leave my parents’ home. I looked
forward to the freedom; Freedom, of speech, freedom of dress and freedom of
expression. Anyone that knew my mom knew that she considered no amendment but
her own when making rules and regulating us as young adults. I can hear me now, attempting to justify my actions by saying “But Ma! It’s my First Amendment
right.” And her responding, “Yea the first one to go!” Opinions, freedom and
adventure weren’t the highest on our childhood food chain. I would dream
of big stages, and boxing arenas, my own cosmetology business, or making my mark in the sand in the big city. But of
all the things that I would dream, I never, ever, ever put emphasis on being married. I
never glorified the life with a husband and a child. I adored nice clothing,
nice hairstyles, good books, and watching women of power speak and inspire. I
adored Maya Angelou and Oprah Winfrey as a child and even an adolescent.
Once I became an adult, I left on the first ride ticking. I literally mean ticking. My dad purchased my first car for me right out of high school; it was a 1998 Toyota Corolla and it got me to the big city of Charlotte, NC. Not really big but, it was bigger than what I knew. I eventually admired myself for my bravery, and my freedom that I consistently longed-for years prior. I worked at Wells Fargo Bank at age 19, over two hours away from what I knew to be home. It was scary but I asked for it, so I made it do what it did and it was amazing. I never looked back. I visited often, sometimes too often in the beginning. I’m talking several times a week kind of often for a while.
Then I became happy with where I lived. I became happy with the people, the life style, corporate America, I became happy with the way I dressed, the diversity, the things I learned, moving on my own time. I became happy with my liberty to be me. I loved being able to wear knee length suits, penciled skirts and heels. I eventually figured out why I searched for “freedom” for so long. I wanted to know myself. I wanted to stop living in what people thought I should have been. I wanted to finally, for once live out of judgment and if I couldn’t have that I wanted to live without issue or fear of being judge. If you’re anything like me the criticism from the familiar areas of life that you think would understand you the most are the hardest to bear. I had a large family and it grew by the year. My sisters, cousins and even high school friends moved on to grow families, some got married, some moved across the country and some even moved across the world to follow their spouse. But not me! I wanted to work I wanted to have a business, I wanted to be successful and for some reason I associated a family with being a hindrance. I wanted to travel more. I wanted to embrace more of myself and not trap myself in a place where I risked vulnerability or my emotional safety, I wanted those things so badly I became emotionally selfish. Heck, in my mind I had waited 19 years for the opportunity and another 3 more for the chance to embrace and feel the liberty of being myself. I dated often; I was almost a serial dater at a point in my life, because of fear of commitment. Not having to become attached, I just robbed certain individuals of ideas and a lot more than often I robbed them of reason to not commit. It was almost like I was trying to teach myself a lesson without the troubles of taking the course. I felt like I became a “she woman man hater.” HaHa! I enjoyed certain times and then there were times I’d fall of the face of the earth. I didn’t really have the ability to commit in me. I didn’t really have hope for that in my future. Most times I’d attempt to hurt the guys that fell for me because I was afraid of them hurting me. I always said, I’d become successful, I’d consider getting married at 28-29 and I’d have kids by 30 if at all. Amazing how life works, right! Nothing like we planned. I never took a moment to learn the in’s and out’s of relationships or commitment. There was never a time where I gave it a chance to see if it would work, or to even learn how to work out the kinks. In the moments of me knowing the least about dating and how to commit I was convinced without effort that it was work a risk to try.
At the first moment of interaction with my now husband I realized that something different would happen in my future. I wasn't for sure, because for months I wasn't for sure of anything besides how I felt with him. I wasn't even sure about how I felt when he wasn't around, because everything was cloudy. I just looked forward to the next time I’d see him. I wasn't sure where I was going or even how I was getting there. Before I knew it, for the first time ever, everything that I knew in my life, all of my thoughts, my newly created memories, my desire all of it changed. My body, my heart and my soul became the most submissive that it had ever been and, for the first time ever, I flowed. I went with the process and I didn't try to control it. I went from a life of expecting the worst to hoping for the best. I being to learn value of each step and each breath we both took. I knew we had no control of them but it was left to a higher power.
As a result, I became more in touch with everything and more trusting. I became far more reliant then I knew I had the ability to become. I for the first time ever in my life wanted to live forever, in this space and in happiness; ready and accepting the love that willingly being given. I felt weak in my strength. I realized it takes strength to trust and commit, and to also be weak. Who said weak is a bad thing? In order for someone to show you their strength or even be strong for you there has to be a moment of weakness. Not being pathetic, or irresponsible but just simply weak and vulnerable. Trusting!
We trusted enough to decide to bring our households together as one. We both knew we’d marry one another and that we were meant to be. It was just something inside us both that told us so. I can safely say on our first date we knew we’d fall in love and live our lives together, start our family and be happily ever after!!!
Then of course like anything else, when the good gets good it also gets tested, and a stumbling block or two maybe even three would come along. Things literally went from an amazing Disney story, to wondering how we got ourselves in a situation that is to embarrassing to end, after becoming so public with our relationship. Not only did bills change and how we delegate our monies, two strangers had to find a way to coexist under the same roof with different habits and still decide to love.
People talk a lot about social media is talked about a lot and it also has a lot of cons that makes life more difficult to live; however sometimes it's used as a resource to save. I can't even count on my hands the amount of times I was sent back to the drawing board or to a place of prayer and meditation due to things like; picture collages, or inspirational quotes and blogs or even memories on my feed that I knew I didn't want to relive in life again that reminded me how or why we decided to love each other in the beginning. Because no matter what anyone tells you, to love is a choice. You decide it!
Coming from a single life it also meant that I came from a mindset sometimes of judgment to those that are in relationships or that even suffer through the slightest bit of pain or disappointment. No one ever put those things in the Cinderella books. I mean who said that there will be tears and disagreement. At this point I'm thinking the next happily ever after can just forget that darn glass slipper. Because, I can still remember yelling and screaming to the top of my lungs at the person I had just professed my love to, attacking each other over minor misunderstandings because in those very moments being right or our own sides of the family was more important than the love and the future we were planning. We literally had to decide who to defend, our families, the things we were taught, the opinions of others, or each other. In some moments tears were shed and insecurities were developed because of certain remarks, our trust with one another was in question. Some days we didn't know the person we woke up with, but thanks be to God we always woke up together. We may have slept head to foot some days or even made pallets on the floor beside the bed, often time long walks were taken or we ignored each other but he never left my side. Even in our anger protection was still his main priority and I didn’t stop packing lunches. We pissed each other off to the point of no return some days but we still had duties. We couldn’t just stop being married or stop being significant others to one another because something inside of us was still significant and it was our vows.
My husband grew up in a home where his parents were married for 20 plus years and his father and his pastor taught him without reasonable cause you don't divorce and you never forsake your family. I grew up in a home that I was taught no matter what we stick together. But neither of us was given guidelines on how to stick together or what we’d have to stick through, or maybe even how to know when it’s worth it to stick through.
Because, those lines could have only been drawn through experience and not anyone else’s, ours. I never opened my eyes to know that I wouldn't always have my way or that each day wouldn't be green and pastures or a walk through heaven. To have a consistently happy marriage there is a physiological shift that is required within yourself. There is a higher being that must be in control, because to place either partner in control is a clear path to emotional destruction. I must have slept through the class where they taught that all people aren't the same or don't process the same and that men and women are completely and utterly different species. Who knew that a deeper amount of care for something or someone beyond yourself is required, or to stop decompressing your past and allow someone and opportunity to listen rather than pay for the things that others had done to you. Allowing someone the opportunity to see the scars of your core, so they can offer them the chance to begin to help you fix a wound.
We walked into our relationship happy to see the things we prayed for really come to fruition; however, we forgot how we came to the point of praying for this perfect person in the first place. There was hurt in our past that caused misunderstanding, lack of love, selfishness, attempting to self heal etc. When life became real to us and we were married and begin figuring out the next step we both hide our hurt, not realizing it was the key to what would make our love strong. So, the hurt sent subtle signals “Don’t forget me.” Ha-ha Then it slapped us in the face! Rudely, might I add? The ugliest things will bring out the sweetest love, most romantic loves songs, softest prayers and a beautiful life together. Don’t forget you’re hurt! Heal and grow from it.
xoxo
N~Tyese
Once I became an adult, I left on the first ride ticking. I literally mean ticking. My dad purchased my first car for me right out of high school; it was a 1998 Toyota Corolla and it got me to the big city of Charlotte, NC. Not really big but, it was bigger than what I knew. I eventually admired myself for my bravery, and my freedom that I consistently longed-for years prior. I worked at Wells Fargo Bank at age 19, over two hours away from what I knew to be home. It was scary but I asked for it, so I made it do what it did and it was amazing. I never looked back. I visited often, sometimes too often in the beginning. I’m talking several times a week kind of often for a while.
Then I became happy with where I lived. I became happy with the people, the life style, corporate America, I became happy with the way I dressed, the diversity, the things I learned, moving on my own time. I became happy with my liberty to be me. I loved being able to wear knee length suits, penciled skirts and heels. I eventually figured out why I searched for “freedom” for so long. I wanted to know myself. I wanted to stop living in what people thought I should have been. I wanted to finally, for once live out of judgment and if I couldn’t have that I wanted to live without issue or fear of being judge. If you’re anything like me the criticism from the familiar areas of life that you think would understand you the most are the hardest to bear. I had a large family and it grew by the year. My sisters, cousins and even high school friends moved on to grow families, some got married, some moved across the country and some even moved across the world to follow their spouse. But not me! I wanted to work I wanted to have a business, I wanted to be successful and for some reason I associated a family with being a hindrance. I wanted to travel more. I wanted to embrace more of myself and not trap myself in a place where I risked vulnerability or my emotional safety, I wanted those things so badly I became emotionally selfish. Heck, in my mind I had waited 19 years for the opportunity and another 3 more for the chance to embrace and feel the liberty of being myself. I dated often; I was almost a serial dater at a point in my life, because of fear of commitment. Not having to become attached, I just robbed certain individuals of ideas and a lot more than often I robbed them of reason to not commit. It was almost like I was trying to teach myself a lesson without the troubles of taking the course. I felt like I became a “she woman man hater.” HaHa! I enjoyed certain times and then there were times I’d fall of the face of the earth. I didn’t really have the ability to commit in me. I didn’t really have hope for that in my future. Most times I’d attempt to hurt the guys that fell for me because I was afraid of them hurting me. I always said, I’d become successful, I’d consider getting married at 28-29 and I’d have kids by 30 if at all. Amazing how life works, right! Nothing like we planned. I never took a moment to learn the in’s and out’s of relationships or commitment. There was never a time where I gave it a chance to see if it would work, or to even learn how to work out the kinks. In the moments of me knowing the least about dating and how to commit I was convinced without effort that it was work a risk to try.
At the first moment of interaction with my now husband I realized that something different would happen in my future. I wasn't for sure, because for months I wasn't for sure of anything besides how I felt with him. I wasn't even sure about how I felt when he wasn't around, because everything was cloudy. I just looked forward to the next time I’d see him. I wasn't sure where I was going or even how I was getting there. Before I knew it, for the first time ever, everything that I knew in my life, all of my thoughts, my newly created memories, my desire all of it changed. My body, my heart and my soul became the most submissive that it had ever been and, for the first time ever, I flowed. I went with the process and I didn't try to control it. I went from a life of expecting the worst to hoping for the best. I being to learn value of each step and each breath we both took. I knew we had no control of them but it was left to a higher power.
As a result, I became more in touch with everything and more trusting. I became far more reliant then I knew I had the ability to become. I for the first time ever in my life wanted to live forever, in this space and in happiness; ready and accepting the love that willingly being given. I felt weak in my strength. I realized it takes strength to trust and commit, and to also be weak. Who said weak is a bad thing? In order for someone to show you their strength or even be strong for you there has to be a moment of weakness. Not being pathetic, or irresponsible but just simply weak and vulnerable. Trusting!
We trusted enough to decide to bring our households together as one. We both knew we’d marry one another and that we were meant to be. It was just something inside us both that told us so. I can safely say on our first date we knew we’d fall in love and live our lives together, start our family and be happily ever after!!!
Then of course like anything else, when the good gets good it also gets tested, and a stumbling block or two maybe even three would come along. Things literally went from an amazing Disney story, to wondering how we got ourselves in a situation that is to embarrassing to end, after becoming so public with our relationship. Not only did bills change and how we delegate our monies, two strangers had to find a way to coexist under the same roof with different habits and still decide to love.
People talk a lot about social media is talked about a lot and it also has a lot of cons that makes life more difficult to live; however sometimes it's used as a resource to save. I can't even count on my hands the amount of times I was sent back to the drawing board or to a place of prayer and meditation due to things like; picture collages, or inspirational quotes and blogs or even memories on my feed that I knew I didn't want to relive in life again that reminded me how or why we decided to love each other in the beginning. Because no matter what anyone tells you, to love is a choice. You decide it!
Coming from a single life it also meant that I came from a mindset sometimes of judgment to those that are in relationships or that even suffer through the slightest bit of pain or disappointment. No one ever put those things in the Cinderella books. I mean who said that there will be tears and disagreement. At this point I'm thinking the next happily ever after can just forget that darn glass slipper. Because, I can still remember yelling and screaming to the top of my lungs at the person I had just professed my love to, attacking each other over minor misunderstandings because in those very moments being right or our own sides of the family was more important than the love and the future we were planning. We literally had to decide who to defend, our families, the things we were taught, the opinions of others, or each other. In some moments tears were shed and insecurities were developed because of certain remarks, our trust with one another was in question. Some days we didn't know the person we woke up with, but thanks be to God we always woke up together. We may have slept head to foot some days or even made pallets on the floor beside the bed, often time long walks were taken or we ignored each other but he never left my side. Even in our anger protection was still his main priority and I didn’t stop packing lunches. We pissed each other off to the point of no return some days but we still had duties. We couldn’t just stop being married or stop being significant others to one another because something inside of us was still significant and it was our vows.
My husband grew up in a home where his parents were married for 20 plus years and his father and his pastor taught him without reasonable cause you don't divorce and you never forsake your family. I grew up in a home that I was taught no matter what we stick together. But neither of us was given guidelines on how to stick together or what we’d have to stick through, or maybe even how to know when it’s worth it to stick through.
Because, those lines could have only been drawn through experience and not anyone else’s, ours. I never opened my eyes to know that I wouldn't always have my way or that each day wouldn't be green and pastures or a walk through heaven. To have a consistently happy marriage there is a physiological shift that is required within yourself. There is a higher being that must be in control, because to place either partner in control is a clear path to emotional destruction. I must have slept through the class where they taught that all people aren't the same or don't process the same and that men and women are completely and utterly different species. Who knew that a deeper amount of care for something or someone beyond yourself is required, or to stop decompressing your past and allow someone and opportunity to listen rather than pay for the things that others had done to you. Allowing someone the opportunity to see the scars of your core, so they can offer them the chance to begin to help you fix a wound.
We walked into our relationship happy to see the things we prayed for really come to fruition; however, we forgot how we came to the point of praying for this perfect person in the first place. There was hurt in our past that caused misunderstanding, lack of love, selfishness, attempting to self heal etc. When life became real to us and we were married and begin figuring out the next step we both hide our hurt, not realizing it was the key to what would make our love strong. So, the hurt sent subtle signals “Don’t forget me.” Ha-ha Then it slapped us in the face! Rudely, might I add? The ugliest things will bring out the sweetest love, most romantic loves songs, softest prayers and a beautiful life together. Don’t forget you’re hurt! Heal and grow from it.
xoxo
N~Tyese
Great post that I can relate to in so many ways! I always tell people that relationship goals aren't the pictures you see on social media but EVERYTHING that happens in between those pictures that get us to the next post of the happy couple :) two people bringing their own set of norms to a relationship is a lot of learning, compromising and forgiving. Marriage is the best work I've ever done but it's definitely work sometimes
ReplyDeleteAwesome read! Very true and prayerfully your transparency will help another marriage. Love you babygirl! - Shakeila
ReplyDelete